A Mother's Heartache...A Longing for Heaven

The following letter is from a mother to her child whom she carried to term after being told the baby would not live outside the womb. Nevaeh was born July 29, 2002, and went home to Jesus a few hours after birth.

Dearest Nevaeh,

Our time together is too quickly coming to an end. I’m going to miss you so much. You will never know me or the depth of my love for you here on earth. I am writing you this letter so that I will never forget a single part of your short little life within me. Because of you I will never be the same. You’ve already taught me so many things. Here is how you first touched my heart...

On February 1st, 2001, I miscarried your baby sister Bella Rose. I started longing for a baby like I never had before. Skyler and Emma had come to me so easily and even unexpectedly. I started to take better care of myself thinking that something I had done played a part in the loss of Bella. I wanted to be as healthy as possible for you.

I started praying for you when you were just a dream to me. I didn’t want to lose you and was fearful of that before you were even a part of me.

On December 7th, 2001, I finally had a positive pregnancy test! What an excitement. Daddy and I decided that we would keep the news to ourselves for awhile. We told the family, but that was all. We wanted to wait and make sure that you were going to stay with us. We were too excited to wait long though, especially Dad. He started telling people weeks before we had agreed to! By 12 weeks everyone knew.

On December 13th I started feeling sick. I just started thanking Jesus for this positive sign. I was miserable, but I felt assured that everything was going to be okay. I knew it was all going to be worth it.

In February I came across your name for the first time. A girl named Amy was at youth group for the first time. When she found out I was pregnant, she told me about the “coolest name” she had just heard. It was heaven spelled backwards...”Nevaeh.” I thought that was neat, but not until much later did it have real meaning for me.

During the first three months I was pregnant I kept finding out about one friend after another who was pregnant too. What fun! At one point I counted 12 little friends you would have who would all be the same age as you. Everything was perfect. Now I just couldn’t wait to find out if you were a girl or a boy.

That’s all that was on my mind March 21st as we drove to see you for the first time by ultrasound. Your feet were what amazed me the most. So perfect. Daddy and I just watched and waited as the technician took all of your measurements. When she turned the monitor off and started to leave, we reminded her that we wanted to know whether you were a boy or a girl. She assured us that the radiologist would be in soon and would let us know. We will never forget the words he spoke to us. He was the first to tell us that you would only live as long as you were inside me. We were sick with sadness. How could this be?

I’m so sorry that I ever even considered not carrying you to term. My doctor told me not to make a decision too quickly. I’m so thankful for her. I didn’t think that I was strong enough to let myself go through the heartache of carrying you. As it turned out, Jesus decided to carry me. He let Daddy and I both know that carrying you was the only right thing to do and once we agreed to obey Him, He just took over. What a mess I would have been without Him.

It was so hard for me to let myself continue loving you at first. I’m so sorry for that too. I thought that it would hurt me more when it was time to let you go. I’m so glad I’ve fallen in love with you now. Every night I lay still and feel you kicking around inside of me. I want you so badly. I don’t want to let you go. Daddy has fallen in love with you too. Every time he touches me you seem to move. He’s not a crier, but I see his sadness. You are his baby girl.

I don’t know why God has allowed all of this to happen. Some people are praying for a miracle. I hope for a miracle too. I also hope to see something wonderful come from this...anything. A friend is praying for whatever would glorify God’s name the most. That’s what I want too. I hope that it includes keeping you though.

We’ve chosen your middle name now. We couldn’t decide between Desiree which means “longing” and Joy because of the incredible unexpected joy that we have had despite our sadness. Your Auntie said that we should use both. What a good idea. Nevaeh Desiree Joy. “Longing for Heaven” Joy.

Our family and friends have been so wonderful to us. They call us and visit us and take such good care of us. I wish they could know you, baby. I know they have a special love for you. I hope they get to meet you. That’s my big prayer for me right now too. I want to hold you before you go and see Jesus. I want it so bad that I cry for it every night now.

Skyler and Emma know that you are going to heaven after you “come out of Mommy’s tummy.” Every time they pray, they ask Jesus to let you stay with us. I think I cry every time! We will help them to always remember you. You will always be their baby sister. They both kiss you and sing to you.

Now, sweet Nevaeh, I need to end this letter to you. I will write you again when I’m no longer holding you inside of me. You will be with Jesus though. Goodbye for now, sweet baby. I’ll see you soon and then it will be forever.

With all my love, Mommy

You may contact Nevaeh’s mother at: luanddavid@comcast.net

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