I’m separated from my wife because of pornography addiction. Is there hope for us to be reunited?
Question from a reader:
I’m a young married man and am presently separated from my wife because of pornography addiction. I’m a tech guy and find it difficult to deal with all the temptations that are so easily accessible. Is there any hope for me to be reunited with my wife?
Answer from Randy Alcorn:
I encourage you to get rid of both your laptop and iPhone. Certainly you should not be around internet access. I know you are a tech guy, but you need this consequence and the fleeing from temptation it involves. If it is accessible, in a moment of weakness you will succumb. The Bible tells us to flee from immorality, to guard our hearts, to act wisely, battle lust, and to be sexually pure. It does not tell us to have internet access. It may be the norm, but it is not God’s calling. It is not an entitlement or right, it is a dangerous privilege you must earn by the establishment of long term disciplined living, and then if a year from now you go back to it and fail, it will need to be removed again. If purity is optional, you will never experience it. It may seem radical, but Jesus talked about cutting off hands and poking out eyes (no, I don’t take it literally, but clearly it’s way more radical than getting rid of internet).
I would also encourage you to get involved with a recovery group for accountability, read my book The Purity Principle and other things that may help. Your separation from your wife must not be merely the passing of time, but for the purpose of actual radical change to become a new person with new habits. What matters is what you do with this time, the help that you get, and the changes you make to become the man God wants you to be and the husband your wife needs you to be.
I hope this doesn’t sound harsh. I am shooting straight with you because I really care. There is great hope for you, but without radical steps, including cutting off internet access and getting in a Christ-centered accountability group, those hopes will not materialize.
Your time right now needs to be tough for you, as a consequence and a discipline. Don’t fall back to living an easy life with others taking care of you. You need to be reminded every day of what you have lost for the moment—your wife and your life with her—so that you long for it enough to take the hard steps necessary to earn your way back into her life.