Our ministry is often contacted by those who are grieving, looking for guidance after a loved one’s death. One reader shared that a family member had given her a modified version of the poem “Immortality” (usually attributed to Clare Hartner), saying, “Your loved one wants you to hear this”:
Do not stand
By my grave, and weep,
I am not there,
I do not sleep—
I am the thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints in snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain,
I am the gentle, autumn rain.
As you awake with morning's hush,
I am the swift, up-flinging rush
Of quiet birds in circling flight.
I am the day transcending night.
Do not stand
By my grave, and cry—
I am not there,
I did not die.
One of our staff wrote in reply:
While certainly meant to bring comfort, unfortunately this poem mixes half-truths with dangerous lies. Since you seem like you genuinely want to get honest feedback, I’ll share some thoughts about it.
Your loved one wants you to hear this:
Those we love who are with Jesus are safe and secure with Him. They don’t send us messages from beyond the grave.
Every time I think of you, I give thanks to my God.
Randy has written about how those who now live with Jesus in the present Heaven don’t lose their identity or their affection for their loved ones. It’s reasonable to think that now that your loved one is face to face with Jesus, he has given thanks for you and the ways God used you in his life!
Do not stand at my grave and weep, I’m not there. I do not sleep.
The physical part of him is “sleeping” until the resurrection, but yes, his spirit is fully alive now with Jesus, since to be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord.
However, you should not feel guilty for crying as you grieve him and visit his gravesite. That is a natural, God-given response to an immense loss–and our tears can be healing. We let our grief push us into Jesus even more.
I am a thousand winds that blow. I am the diamond glints on snow. I am the sunlight on ripened grain…
This part is where it especially gets off course. Those we love are with Jesus and alive in His presence; they do not become part of nature. Certainly, seeing those things can remind us of someone we love, and that can be a God-given gift, but ultimately, they point us to our Creator and Savior and remind us of His beauty, love, and majesty.
Do not stand by my grave, and cry—I am not there, I did not die.
Scripture says we grieve, but we do not grieve as those who have no hope (1 Thessalonians 4:13). Randy writes, “They should not grieve in the same way, with the same bitter despair, that unbelievers have. But certainly, they should grieve.”
The poem dismisses not only the full reality of death, but also the God-given human emotions associated with it. Ecclesiastes 3:1-4 says there is “a time to mourn.” Grief is a valid and necessary part of healing.
I was struck by these lines: “Do not stand by my grave, and cry—I am not there, I did not die.” But Jesus wept over death (John 11:35); so should we. While it is true that the person is not consciously there at his or her grave, it is emphatically not true that they did not die!
The Bible teaches that those who know Christ have a personal relationship with God that continues after death (see John 3:16-17 about personal salvation). In John 14:2-3, we’re told that Jesus prepares a place for believers; to die as a Christian means going to be with Him, since to be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord. And ultimately, we have the blood-bought promise of resurrection: that our bodies will rise again, and we will enjoy life on the New Earth with Jesus and all who love Him.
However, the poem says nothing of the need for salvation and the necessity of faith in Christ for eternal life (John 14:6). It suggests that everyone experiences the same afterlife, regardless of their beliefs or relationship with God. It also seems to implicitly deny that there is a hell. While it provides comfort, it is false comfort for those who do not know Jesus.
Even more problematic, the poem gives a pantheistic view of the deceased living on in nature (like the wind and stars), which is antithetical to the biblical view of the afterlife. Yes, the natural world points us to God, but it is not a proper way to connect with loved ones who have died.
Clarissa Moll, author of Beyond the Darkness, writes:
The reality is, there is no secret language that transcends death. Death isn’t like summer camp; your person can’t send postcards back home. Sometimes, looking for a sign or message from your person can even distract you from solely relying on God for comfort instead.
I know what it means to long to hear your person’s voice or to receive reassurance of your person’s love for you. I’m a widow. I get it. But I’m also aware that many popular beliefs like these hold us back from moving forward into new life after loss. They’re not grounded in Scripture but rooted in our very human, brokenhearted longings. I’m reminded of Rob every time I see a mountain. However, I know the mountains are not a sign from Rob of his nearness but a picture from God of HIS nearness and steadfast love that endure through all my life (Isaiah 54:10).
The “gone-ness” of our loved ones is something we may always wrestle with, and that’s okay. We can live joyful, deeply satisfying lives even if we stop looking for signs from our loved ones in the universe. We can release our loved ones to God’s care and say goodbye—even when it’s incredibly hard. We can ask God to reveal to us HIS presence in our sorrow—the one consolation that is guaranteed to meet our heart’s greatest desires.
God is gracious and understanding of our thoughts and feelings and love for the precious people He has put in our lives, and who are now with Him. He invites us to come to Him with what’s on our minds and hearts. As we grieve, we find that grief itself is a companion; but our greater companion and closest friend is Jesus. He has said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you” (Hebrews 13:5).
One day, Jesus, our forever friend, “will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain.” This is the blood-bought promise of Jesus. In the meantime, when our hearts ache, let’s turn to Jesus, our greatest source of comfort and peace.
