As my grandson Ty was preparing to marry his sweetheart Ava earlier this summer, one of the things we were discussing over text was how nothing is more important in marriage than humility:
“Humble yourself before the mighty hand of God and in due time he will lift you up” (1 Peter 5:6).
If you don’t humble yourself before God, He will need to humble you.
“Pride goes before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall” (Proverbs 16:18).
Pride is the problem; humility is the solution.
“The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, but a wise man listens to advice” (Proverbs 12:15).
One aspect of true humility is openness to correction. There are too many people, including sometimes those in ministry, who are thin-skinned and way too easily hurt. I was that way as a young pastor. I look back now with embarrassment at how devastated—and sometimes defensive—I was due to criticism. What really made the change was not only the civil disobedience I participated in, and having to step down as a pastor for the sake of the church, but also writing books and articles where I was subjecting myself to the criticism of readers.
I know of some veteran writers who still have thin skins and don’t take seriously the criticisms—or they take them too seriously, to the point that it robs them of joy and perspective. You can receive 100 encouraging messages from people who say God used your book to change their lives, and then you can only remember the one person who raked you over the coals for that book.
As the years went by, and I wrote more and more books, my skin got thicker, and I was no longer losing sleep over what people were saying about me, even though it was posted on the Internet, and some of it was untrue. (One of the things that used to bug me was that someone would claim I said something I didn’t, probably not maliciously but just misunderstanding. The people reading what they said would respond, “Wow, that’s awful he would say that.” And I would read it and say, sometimes aloud, “But I would never say that!”) It took some time, but finally I could honestly say, “So what? That’s life. The only thing I can do is seek to be at peace with Jesus, my family, and those around me. My goal in life should not be to make the world approve of me, or even to make the church approve of me. My goal should be to honor and please the One who loves me so much He went to the cross for me.”
What is true of writing is in its own way true of everything in life. Every writer needs good editors, and what good editors do is tell you what they think you said that was wrong or confusing or unclear. I've had multiple editors on every book project whose job is not to praise me for what I’ve written, but to offer correction and suggestions for improvement. The great majority of the time, they are right and show me how to do it better. (Likewise, in friendships, in marriage, in church, and in all of life, openness to criticism will make or break you.)
As a young writer, just as when I was a young pastor and a young husband, it was tough for me to receive that criticism. But as the years went on, I learned to truly welcome it because I know in the end the article or book will be far better if I’ve listened to and accepted their criticism! When people don’t like my books or articles, I try to listen to the critics, and honestly ask God for wisdom to see the truth in their criticism. Sometimes I flat out agree with them and tell them I need to make the change in a future edition. More often than not, explaining what I meant can be helpful, but if they still think I was wrong, and after careful consideration, I don’t, I can now live with that and not lose a moment’s sleep.
It also helped me greatly in my marriage and family life because when my wife and daughters saw things differently than I did, or pointed out things I had said or done that were wrong, I eventually learned to welcome it as the voice of God in my life. Usually, I needed to apologize and make changes.
Everybody needs to own up to the truth behind criticisms, and there is almost always some truth in them. Sometimes much truth, and sometimes it’s the whole truth. This is how God develops our humility. When we open ourselves to the conviction of the Holy Spirit about our shortcomings, it is tremendously liberating to be able to see your weaknesses and acknowledge them to other people and to the Lord.
Your character will grow in direct proportion to your willingness to accept correction. It will also make you a better Bible student and a better Christian because frequently when you read the Bible, the words will be a form of criticism, and the Holy Spirit speaks through that criticism. If you are defensive and not open to criticism, you will not have a good walk with God.
A great test in your walk with God is how you respond to your spouse (or a close friend or coworker) when they get hurt, are disappointed, and have criticisms of you. Nanci was a tremendous support to me, but she spoke truth into my life consistently over the years, and I often needed to apologize and ask forgiveness. In the process, I became a better husband. It wasn’t easy to do early in our marriage, but by God‘s grace, I did learn to do it. (I hope those of you reading this learn it sooner than I did!)
Almost nothing is better than a good marriage and almost nothing is worse than a bad one. One thing that really helps make a great marriage is the ability both to speak the truth in love and even more importantly, to listen to the truth spoken—even if not everything said was completely accurate, and even if it was not said to you as lovingly as you would’ve wished.
May we all take James 1:19 to heart: “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.”
